Chapter 1: The Seven-Year Milestone

As individuals cross the age of 30 and find themselves single, conversations about failed relationships often become a shared experience among friends, sometimes over coffee and other times over wine. Rather than merely dissecting what went wrong, these discussions provide a sense of validation and community, especially in a society that often equates marriage and children with success.

During one such conversation, a friend and I discovered a striking pattern: both of us had ended relationships around the seven-year mark. Interestingly, we could name at least two other couples who faced similar endings.

“It’s the seven-year itch,” my friend remarked. “You start to feel restless, arguments arise, and suddenly, you can’t bear to be around that person anymore.”

“It feels like a curse,” I added.

Major life events can impose significant pressure on a relationship. Transitioning to living together, tying the knot, welcoming children, and eventually sending them off to college are all milestones that can either bring joy or pave the way to heartbreak.

But what role does time play? Is the seventh year particularly prone to upheaval? Does the seven-year itch truly exist?

My own seven-year relationship unraveled in a way that bore little resemblance to the classic 1955 film, "The Seven Year Itch." In this movie, a married man sends his family away for vacation while he grapples with feelings of restlessness during a hot summer in New York City. When he encounters a young model, he feels tempted to stray from his marriage.

Did you know that this is the storyline behind the iconic scene with Marilyn Monroe in her white dress?

Since the release of the film, the term “seven-year itch” has become synonymous with marital restlessness, especially around that seven-year mark. While divorce was stigmatized in 1955, flirting and occasional infidelity were more tolerated. Personally, I chose the divorce route rather than stray.

The term “seven-year itch” predates the film and its theatrical origins. George Axelrod, the playwright, originally used it as a non-medical term for scabies, a condition that became widespread among soldiers returning from WWI.

An itch can be irritating, particularly when you're told you can’t scratch it. For many years, effective treatments for scabies were scarce, mirroring how a man might feel tempted to cheat yet must resist the urge, even when boredom sets in. But why do people believe the seven-year itch is genuinely a phenomenon?

Axelrod likely thought the phrase fit perfectly for a comedic narrative about a man disillusioned with his marriage. However, he probably didn’t foresee the extent to which audiences would resonate with this sentiment, or that psychologists would analyze it through the lens of adult developmental cycles.

Statistics reveal that the median duration of marriages in the U.S. was 18 years in 2008. This number encompasses both shorter marriages that end in divorce and longer ones that conclude with the death of a spouse. According to Forbes, the typical marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years.

This data can give the impression that the seven-year itch is a tangible phenomenon. However, we must be cautious in our interpretations, as average durations can be misleading. Short-lived marriages count just as much as those that endure for decades.

What about infidelity?

Is the occurrence of divorce a reliable indicator of the seven-year itch? It’s important to remember that this concept refers to the ennui and restlessness that can lead to cheating.

Men are generally more willing to admit feelings of temptation compared to women, even though both genders engage in infidelity at similar rates. Societal norms may pressure men to embrace their desires while encouraging women to remain loyal to their partners.

As marriages progress, men increasingly report feeling tempted to cheat, especially after the 11-year mark. For women, the temptation rises slowly over the first decade before beginning to decline.

Extramarital sexual activity tends to peak for men between the ages of 55 and 65, while for women, it peaks earlier, around 40 to 45, likely influenced by approaching menopause and societal perceptions of midlife women’s sexuality.

For some women, increased sexual activity during this phase might feel like a final fling, despite the potential for continued sexual vitality well into later years. For men, the impending specter of aging may prompt a recklessness.

During that coffee shop moment, my friend and I felt convinced that we had succumbed to the seven-year itch. The “evidence” we gathered seemed compelling. Yet, we were exhibiting selection bias; we chose to focus solely on instances that supported our belief that seven years was a doomed milestone.

We were well aware of couples whose relationships lasted longer than seven years, as well as those that ended sooner, but we conveniently overlooked those examples. It’s tempting to attribute the failure of a relationship to an external factor that absolves us of responsibility.

Similarly, the seven-year itch can serve as a convenient excuse for infidelity, but ultimately, that’s all it is—convenient.

To evolve as a person and a partner in future relationships, I had to release the notion of the itch as an excuse and confront the reality of my own shortcomings.

I'm genuinely grateful for this realization.

If you enjoyed this exploration of love and relationships, you might also want to check out my book. "Acid Sugar" is available on Kindle and can be read for free with a Kindle Unlimited subscription.