Chapter 1: Understanding Self-Tolerance

In the spectrum between self-hatred and self-love lies self-tolerance. The critical question is: Do you genuinely love yourself, or merely tolerate your existence?

During a recent retreat, we began our day with a check-in, where each participant shared their current feelings. Instead of simply stating “I feel good” or “I feel bad,” we were encouraged to articulate our emotions in detail. This exercise felt strange, especially since we often overlook our feelings. Yet, within a supportive environment, emotions flowed freely, often catching us off guard. It was a profound experience.

As one person shared their experiences from the previous day, their voice quivered, overtaken by emotion, leading to tears. “Why is there so much hate within me? Why can’t I just love myself?” they cried out, exposing their inner turmoil. They spoke candidly about their relentless inner critic, which constantly berated them. They detailed their struggles with self-judgment and the overwhelming sense of loathing that left them feeling powerless against that inner voice.

Caught in this conflict, they expressed hatred toward their inner critic, while simultaneously feeling hatred directed at themselves. This moment evoked empathy in me, prompting self-reflection: Do I also endure this battle? A flicker of relief washed over me as I thought, “Thank goodness, I’ve moved beyond that.” I believed I had conquered my negative self-talk, but my mind quickly returned to empathy, reminding me that such claims can be deceptive.

“Moving past that” is a perilous phrase to utter, even internally. The universe has a way of reminding us that our journey is ongoing. Indeed, my challenge with self-love intensified following that day, revealing areas of my life still lacking in self-acceptance.

While it was true that I had moved beyond self-hatred, I realized that this milestone was merely the beginning of a much larger journey, the tip of the iceberg that is self-love. I discovered that I didn’t hate myself, nor did I truly love myself; instead, I merely tolerated my existence.

Reading that realization brought an unsettling feeling. Tolerating oneself may not feel as harsh as hatred, but it is still a subtle form of self-abuse. Tolerance implies a neutral acceptance of who we are, often devoid of love. It’s akin to being indifferent to aspects of ourselves that we wish were different.

Consider this scenario with a partner: If your partner is prone to clumsiness, you might feel frustrated when they break things. You could either harbor resentment or simply tolerate it, treating their clumsiness as an annoyance. Alternatively, you could embrace and celebrate their quirks, recognizing them as part of their creativity, which is something you cherish.

We often scrutinize ourselves, focusing on perceived flaws, either despising them or “accepting” them while secretly wishing for change. This mindset obscures our ability to appreciate the integral qualities that make us who we are. The traits we love in ourselves are often interwoven with those we dislike. If we can’t love ourselves for what we are, perhaps we can learn to appreciate the value those traits contribute to our overall being.

Moving forward, I invite you to ask yourself: “How can I infuse a bit more love into this moment or this aspect of myself?”

Hi, I’m Orianne! With a passion for exploring the mind and our surroundings, I share my insights here. If you’re seeking freelance writers in the mindset arena, don’t hesitate to reach out! Follow my adventures on Instagram and visit gambino.me for more information about my work.

The first video, "How to Deal with Self-Hatred & Self-Love," dives into the journey of overcoming negative self-perceptions and fostering self-compassion.

The second video, "Years of Self Loathing Led Me in the Path of Self Love | Beatriz Andrino | TEDxYouth@HamberSchool," shares a powerful narrative of transformation from self-loathing to self-love.