Chapter 1: The Perils of Perfectionism

Throughout my life, I've made choices I regret, one of the most significant being how I treated my husband poorly for many years. The underlying issue was my perfectionism, which stemmed from a deep-rooted sense of inadequacy. Yet, that's no justification for my behavior.

I acknowledge that I wasn't easy to be around, particularly for him. While perfectionism can bring about positive traits such as diligence, organization, and meticulousness, it can also have detrimental effects on personal relationships. Living with a perfectionist can be challenging, a sentiment my husband would certainly back up.

Perfectionists often exhibit controlling tendencies towards those nearest to them, and in my case, people-pleasing was a significant aspect of my character. I was driven to gain approval from individuals who didn't truly know me, nor had any real interest in understanding me.

No matter what I achieved, it rarely felt satisfactory unless I had accomplished it myself, and even then, I frequently fell short of my unreasonably high expectations. If things deviated from my carefully laid plans, chaos ensued, and my husband often bore the brunt of my frustration.

As of now, we've shared 23 years together, having met when I was 20 and he was 25. In the early days of our relationship, I was adventurous and full of life. We traveled together, and everything felt exhilarating. However, my growing need for validation led to the emergence of my perfectionism, which ultimately strained our relationship.

I would often erupt in anger, feeling that he simply didn’t understand my perspective. My mind was consumed with thoughts about his perceived inadequacies, while I conveniently overlooked my own flaws—a classic trait of perfectionists.

There were moments when I questioned why I was with him, fixating on his imperfections. I had built walls around myself, becoming emotionally distant and uncommunicative, which took a toll on our bond over the years.

To outsiders, I appeared to be the ideal partner.

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” — Brené Brown

I was so focused on projecting an image of perfection to the outside world that I neglected to nurture my relationship. My work became my life, and I presented myself as a woman who had everything together. Raised with the notion that family matters should remain private, I concealed the reality of how poorly I treated my husband. To everyone else, I was a model partner—kind, polite, and always smiling, regardless of my internal struggles or the arguments we had.

What kept him by my side?

Even now, I am astonished he didn’t walk away. If I were in his shoes, I might have left long ago. He questioned my affection for him at times and wondered what had happened to the woman he fell in love with years back. Yet, he chose to stay.

When I asked him why, his response was simply, “I love you. That has never changed.” Those words still bring tears to my eyes. For so long, I believed I didn’t deserve love. Yet here was this man, enduring my mistreatment and still loving me unconditionally—seeing the goodness in me even when I struggled to see it myself.

It was love that kept him here, love that ultimately salvaged our relationship. Love conquers all. His unwavering support taught me that nobody is perfect; it is our imperfections that render us unique and beautiful.

Embracing our flaws allows us to uncover our true selves and fosters deeper connections with others. We all deserve a love that is unconditional and nurturing. I am fortunate that my husband remained optimistic and patient, waiting for the moment I would finally grasp this truth.

I’m grateful I did. Perfectionism can obstruct our paths to happiness and connection, hiding us from acknowledging our worthiness of love. Take a moment to look at yourself through the eyes of those who care about you.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope my words resonate with you. xo

If you found this narrative compelling, you might also appreciate:

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