It was a radiant Tuesday, and everything seemed to be going smoothly. The birds chirped joyfully in the trees, and the sky was a brilliant blue. Unlike the previous day, when the sun blazed mercilessly, today it offered a welcome respite from the heat.

As I was about to wash the dishes, the alarm buzzed — that irritating sound that makes you want to hit snooze. It was 1 PM. I could hear the birds from my window, yet I hadn’t stepped outside. The alarm was a stark reminder of how quickly time passes. It felt like I had just woken up, and now it was already afternoon. My mind wandered, brainstorming ways to spend the rest of the day.

“I think I’ll pay a visit to a friend,” I decided. It seemed like a perfect day to see Ana, especially since I hadn’t seen her since she adopted a cat. Ana's name popped into my head, and visiting her on this bright, leisurely Tuesday felt like a good plan. While choosing my outfit, I also texted Ana to check if she was home.

Ana was delightful, her cheerful demeanor matching the lovely weather. She often radiated joy, particularly when she was in a playful mood, which was frequent when her finances were looking good. I was content, but not quite as exuberant as she was. Ana wanted me to match her vibe — like twins dressing alike for a holiday — so she made an effort.

“What on earth, Ana? What’s wrong with you?” In an unexpected moment, Ana splashed her half-full glass of water on me. “Isn’t that funny?” she laughed, bursting into giggles. My shock was evident as I tried to process what had just happened. My smile faded as confusion morphed into anger. My heart raced, and I instinctively clenched my fists, preparing for a response. But I was not in a boxing ring; I was simply at Ana’s house.

Emotions are what define us as 'normal' humans, as opposed to psychopaths; they are an intrinsic part of our lives. While they are omnipresent, mastering emotions remains a challenge, and only a few individuals truly learn to control them. An even rarer skill is the ability to choose your emotions.

Anger, joy, fear, happiness, sadness — our brains are naturally wired to experience these fundamental emotions. When certain events trigger these feelings, we often remain unaware of how they accumulate within us. This is due to the unconscious processes in our brains, influenced by various hormones and chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins. Since we lack awareness of the formation of these emotions, influencing which ones we experience can be difficult. Nevertheless, it is achievable.

This is where feelings come into play.

Many people confuse feelings with emotions, often thinking they are identical. However, they are quite different.

Emotions derive from the Latin term “motus,” meaning energy in motion. When something occurs, your brain interprets it as a stimulus, prompting a chemical reaction. The outcome of this reaction is something you can consciously recognize and articulate — these are your feelings.

Emotions serve as the foundational data from which feelings emerge. The physical manifestations of these emotions can be observed in blood pressure, heart rate, facial expressions, and body language. These responses lead to feelings that develop after the chemical processes are complete.

While the triggers for emotions can be pleasant or unpleasant, emotions themselves are neither inherently good nor bad.

Feelings, shaped by our emotions, are complex and often misunderstood. Their complexity arises from their connection to our beliefs, personality traits, memories, and past experiences. Based on the emotional data we encounter, our feelings can be interpreted positively or negatively, depending on how we perceive the triggering event.

Feelings are our interpretations of emotions, allowing them to resonate within us.

When Ana doused me with water, it took a moment for the reality of the situation to sink in. Shocked, I stood still, my heart racing and pulse quickening. My mind was sifting through my beliefs and past experiences to determine an appropriate reaction. “Should I be excited, like a child with a new toy?” After all, Ana aimed to spark some playful energy. “Should I feel angry?” She had disregarded my carefully chosen outfit. I spent time picking it out, and now it was drenched. Or perhaps I should feel sad? After all, I had made an effort to visit her, and this wasn’t the best way to show gratitude.

Anger won out. It felt disrespectful for Ana to throw water on me. I’m older than her, and in my culture, that’s not how one treats an elder. In that instant, I felt my wrist tense, not out of a desire to retaliate, but to contain my frustration. All of this unfolded within mere seconds.

And then, I lost control.

Choosing your feelings is akin to deciding how to use flour in your kitchen. You can create bread, pizza, pie, cake, or puddings.

Labeling your emotions is the first step towards enhancing your emotional intelligence. With emotional intelligence, you can recognize and understand your emotions more effectively. This heightened awareness enables you to channel your emotions toward constructive endeavors, such as problem-solving, emotional regulation, and assisting others.

However, to harness your emotions, you first need to identify what you’re dealing with. It’s similar to harnessing wind to propel a sailboat. Without understanding the wind or how it operates, you won’t be able to set your sails to capture the best winds for navigating in the right direction.

Comprehending your emotions improves both self-communication and the expression of your feelings to those around you.

When you grasp your emotions, you gain better control over how and when you express them physically. The chemical reactions in your brain that produce emotions don’t dictate your feelings. Emotions provide raw data, while feelings are shaped by our thoughts, memories, culture, temperament, and more. Since feelings are subjective, we ultimately have the final say over them.

Choosing your feelings is like deciding how to use flour. You can make various dishes, and the possibilities are endless. This concept is important in psychology, referred to as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT teaches that when you feel negative emotions surfacing, you can engage in counteracting thoughts or behaviors to mitigate the impact of those unwanted feelings.

When Ana splashed water on me, I could feel my anger rising. However, I didn’t want to succumb to it. Anger was the easy response, but I understood that easy isn’t always right. Though Ana’s actions were disrespectful in my culture, she wasn’t aware of that. She was simply trying to share her excitement. Yes, I had invested time in my outfit, but it wasn’t worth the anger. I was going home afterward, so the outfit wasn’t crucial. There were countless reasons to be angry, but there were just as many reasons to let it go. I needed to remind myself of those counter-reasons.

By seeking counter-reasons, I wasn’t suppressing my emotions; instead, I was engaging in a healthier process of identifying and labeling my feelings, recognizing that my reactions aren’t entirely within my control.