Chapter 1: Facing My Inner Struggles

In the depths of despair, I found myself wrestling with thoughts that something was fundamentally wrong with me. This feeling compelled me to document my experiences, possibly for a future doctor's appointment or as a means to lighten my emotional burden. The weight of my emotions had accumulated over a year, starting from March 2020 when I believed I had COVID just before the world shut down.

With no tests available and a strong aversion to hospitals, I took it upon myself to manage my health. I utilized a breathing machine to strengthen my lungs and kept an eye on my oxygen levels. While my lung function began to stabilize, I was left grappling with persistent exhaustion, brain fog, bodily pain, and muscle spasms that lingered far longer than I anticipated.

Here’s an excerpt from my journal entries in early 2021:

“There are days when all I want is to curl up in bed and cry until I fade away. I often find myself trying to focus on one task when an urgent matter pops into my mind, prompting me to shift gears and address that instead. Then, I realize yet another priority needs my attention, making me want to pull my hair out. A surge of anger blindsides me—what is wrong with me?

I feel compelled to jot down even the simplest tasks. My plans can seem perfect until something disrupts them, leading to a sense of losing control. Though I know it’s not the case, the feeling overwhelms me. When questioned about unfinished tasks, I instinctively get defensive. In truth, I should be proud that I can even rise from bed.

Years of battling back pain have taken their toll, with medications, injections, and therapy becoming routine. Currently, I rely on cannabis for pain relief, but it does nothing for my chronic fatigue or the muscle spasms that wake me at night. I must sleep in socks, regardless of the heat, and I find AC settings below 72 degrees unbearably cold. Summer outings require jackets because of the chill in public spaces.

I often feel decades older than my age, even as my mind remains youthful. A persistent sense of doom looms over me, draining my energy and hope. Mornings are a race to complete urgent tasks before exhaustion sets in by late afternoon. My sadness often overshadows my passion for my crafting business, rendering it difficult to begin new projects. Everything seems challenging, devoid of joy.

I once experienced bursts of energy, accomplishing a week’s worth of tasks in a single day. Those moments were exhilarating and made the daily struggles bearable. However, it's been over a year since I’ve felt that surge of vitality.

It feels like I’m merely surviving each day, only to repeat the cycle the next. I rarely wake up feeling refreshed; instead, I often rise with more pain than when I fell asleep. Aches blanket my body, from my neck to my wrists, with some discomfort feeling sharp while others feel like the aftermath of an intense workout.

Despite this, I persist because I have no other choice. Days off are a luxury I cannot afford. There are fleeting moments of peace and joy, and times when I glance in the mirror and don’t recognize the weariness staring back at me. But these moments are just that—fleeting.

I am profoundly distressed, feeling as if I’m grappling with a debilitating illness and slowly fading away. I can't seem to pull myself together.”

Photo by hay s on Unsplash

Reading my own words, I would strongly encourage anyone in a similar position to seek mental health support. Unfortunately, access to such assistance was limited at that time, and I didn’t believe I was facing clinical depression. After all, we had just endured the tumultuous events of 2020—how could we be expected to feel anything different?

Instead, I threw myself into self-development, engaging with mindset coaches and courses, ultimately becoming a certified life coach myself. I also suspected that many of my symptoms stemmed from COVID, though I lacked the means to confirm this. Regardless, I still faced the physical challenges.

Even when I began to feel physically better, the emotional malaise remained. I committed to healthier eating and fully immersed myself in self-improvement programs. Gradually, I emerged with a newfound understanding that I am capable of feeling okay, regardless of external circumstances. I learned to treat myself with kindness and discern when my thoughts were influencing my reality. This realization was pivotal; recognizing that I can navigate any situation without being in control or bearing the weight of responsibility for everything is invaluable. Helping others reach this understanding has become the cherry on top of my journey.

COVID has irrevocably altered our world, and while I long for a return to the past, I understand that is not feasible. Yet, this reality will not deter me.

Photo by Pablo Heimplatz on Unsplash

Chapter 2: Shifting Perspectives

The first video titled How To Change Your Thoughts offers insights into transforming negative thought patterns, an essential step in my healing journey.

Another valuable resource is the video Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, which emphasizes the power of mindset in overcoming life's challenges.