Chapter 1: The Superpower of Asking for Help

For a long time, I believed that seeking help was a sign of weakness. However, I came to realize that it is, in fact, a superpower that has greatly simplified my life.

“Jenn did an excellent job today. She reached out for assistance when she needed it. I want everyone on our team to feel at ease asking for help. If you’re unsure about something, just inquire.”

I was genuinely taken aback when my manager made this statement during our weekly team meeting. I had sought assistance on a task that was outside my expertise and since I was new to the role, it felt justifiable to ask as many questions as necessary to grasp the assignment thoroughly. Typically, I would strive to portray myself as competent and knowledgeable, avoiding too many inquiries. Fortunately, I had a supportive manager who valued my honesty about my skillset. He clearly preferred that I ask questions to gain clarity rather than waste valuable time struggling alone.

One insightful mentor of mine once shared an invaluable piece of wisdom: he doesn't expect individuals to know everything but trusts those who show good judgment and initiative. He recognizes that while someone may lack knowledge in one area, they often possess expertise in others, making them an asset to the team. Given the constantly evolving landscape of work, it's unrealistic for any one person to stay updated on every topic. It would take far too long for someone to read every new article or newsletter in their field, and they would likely fall behind on their other responsibilities. Therefore, employees typically focus on their specific areas of expertise, which helps maintain operational efficiency. Thus, it is neither shameful nor embarrassing to ask questions about a topic you are unfamiliar with.

“I currently lack knowledge about this subject. Could you provide me with more information?” This is the phrase my mentor uses when he seeks clarity on an unfamiliar topic.

Regrettably, I learned a different lesson in my upbringing. My parents were often critical and emotionally distant, instilling in me the belief that I had to rely solely on myself. Being in a vulnerable position of needing help made me feel ashamed and humiliated. I carried that attitude into my workplace, convinced that I was expected to manage my tasks independently without seeking assistance. I even hesitated to ask for clarification when I didn’t understand instructions, fearing it would make me appear incompetent. I worried that others might be too impatient to explain things to me, a sentiment rooted in my father's tendency to become flustered when I struggled to grasp concepts quickly.

Fortunately, life provided me with a crucial lesson that dismantled these erroneous beliefs. The encouragement I received from my manager and friends when I allowed myself to be vulnerable and ask for help demonstrated that there are people who genuinely care and are willing to support me. Unlike my parents, who often dismissed my needs, they listened and validated my requests. This positive reinforcement motivated me to continue reaching out for help and to invite others into my life instead of choosing isolation. I came to understand that there was no alternative to achieving my goals besides seeking assistance. I learned that vulnerability signifies strength and courage, not weakness. Asking for help fosters a mindset of abundance and positivity rather than one of scarcity and fear.

“Vulnerability is the root of shame and fear, yet it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love.” — Brené Brown

My father's teachings instilled in me a strong desire for competence and control while fostering an aversion to vulnerability. I vividly recall several experiences that shaped these lessons. One such incident occurred when he reviewed my report card and tutored me on multiplication.

I remember standing nervously in front of my father as he examined my report card. I was around nine or ten years old, anxious because I hadn’t achieved straight A's and bracing myself for critical remarks or, worse, a lengthy lecture. I waited until he was distracted by the television to show him the card, hoping to minimize the discomfort. As he unfolded the pink paper, I held my breath. Thankfully, he didn’t explode in anger, allowing me to leave with only a couple of neutral comments. I sighed with relief, grateful to escape a demeaning lecture. My father had a reward system where he paid my brother and me ten dollars for every "A" we earned. I received $60 and retreated to my room, taking a few minutes to gather my thoughts. Reflecting back, it’s disheartening that presenting my grades felt like a form of interrogation. I received no encouragement, just the looming threat of criticism.

In another instance, my father spent an entire summer after my second grade drilling me on multiplication tables instead of allowing me to enjoy time with friends. He created a laminated copy of the tables and insisted I recite them to him daily in Chinese. This was a grueling experience, characterized by his authoritarian approach, forcing me to study even when I was tired or unwilling. He berated me mercilessly for every mistake, telling me I was a failure who wouldn’t be able to earn a living if I couldn’t memorize the tables at such a young age. His harsh lectures and dire predictions left me paralyzed with fear. Even as he shouted, he coerced me to continue studying, leaving me to wonder how anyone could learn under such pressure. He aimed to impart what he knew, but it’s tragic that his methods were so damaging and that he had so little faith in my potential.

Many parents take a lecturing approach with their children. My father’s lectures often stretched for twenty or thirty minutes, feeling like an eternity to me. They were more like authoritarian rants than instructional discussions, filled with criticism that made me feel worthless, shameful, and humiliated, despite achieving mostly A's with a few B's. Emotionally numb, he remained oblivious to the impact of his words. His lectures would cast a shadow over my mood for the rest of the day, ironically defeating their intended motivation. I believe his inability to regulate his emotions led him to project extreme fears of my potential failure, triggering panic and causing him to raise his voice.

My father's strict and critical demeanor taught me that incompetence was intolerable. To him, incompetence equated to worthlessness, and failure was deeply humiliating. This instilled a fear in me that others would perceive me as incompetent, and I began to associate my achievements, such as grades and income, with my self-worth. Consequently, I worked tirelessly to avoid giving any impression of incompetence. I obtained straight A's, gained acceptance to a prestigious university, and put in significant effort at my job. I conducted extensive research before discussing topics at work to project an image of knowledge and competence. Through therapy, I eventually re-framed the false belief that my worth was tied to my competence. My therapist emphasized that my worth is intrinsic; I am deserving of love and respect simply for existing.

Additionally, I came to believe that a competent person exhibits self-control and strength, leading me to suppress my vulnerability. At work, I often sought answers independently rather than asking colleagues, fearing I would be perceived as inadequate. I was terrified of making mistakes in the workplace. Fortunately, my manager had a candid conversation with me, explaining that innovation would be stifled if I remained too fearful of errors. He reassured me that it was acceptable to be vulnerable and to share new ideas that might not succeed. I reminded myself that no one expects perfection and that I could be open with others when seeking assistance in brainstorming and problem-solving.

“Requesting help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it can be one of the bravest actions you take. It can enhance your relationships and allow you to prioritize your most critical tasks at work and home. Do not fall into the trap of trying to manage everything alone. Be wise enough to recognize when you need help and to ask for it effectively.” — Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries

Once I overcame my fear of appearing incompetent and began asking for help, I discovered that this ability is indeed a superpower! I navigated life under the false assumption that I had to face everything alone due to the emotional hardships I endured. I am incredibly grateful to have learned that I can seek help in every aspect of my life, both professionally and personally. I received support for my work tasks and recognized the tremendous benefits of long-term therapy (another form of seeking assistance). Life became significantly easier as I accessed the support I needed. I gained valuable insights and innovative solutions to obstacles that had hindered me from living the life I desired for years. I began to accomplish things I had previously thought impossible, feeling as though I had unlocked countless opportunities. The world transformed into a much friendlier and more trustworthy place.

Chapter 2: The Impact of Vulnerability

The first video titled "Why Asking for Help Is Your Superpower" features Jen Traverse discussing how seeking assistance can empower individuals to lead more fulfilling lives.

The second video, "Making Questions Your Superpower," emphasizes the importance of inquiry and vulnerability in personal and professional growth.