The Essential Difference Between Self-Love and Narcissism
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Understanding Self-Love
Emerging from a relationship with a narcissist left me with significant personal work ahead. I engaged in numerous therapy sessions, support groups, and absorbed a wealth of literature. Anyone familiar with self-help resources can attest that self-love is often heralded as a crucial practice for life transformation.
However, the specifics of how to cultivate self-love and sustain it have always seemed somewhat elusive. Often, self-love is conflated with self-care, and practical advice can feel impractical, especially if regular indulgence isn't financially feasible. Even when exercises are cost-free, committing to them with the required diligence can appear daunting, as if it were a chore.
During therapy, my counselor assigned me various tasks—writing letters to my inner child, journaling, or even engaging in creative activities. Perhaps the term 'homework' ignited my procrastination tendencies, or perhaps it was a mental barrier that prevented me from embracing self-love fully.
I approached these tasks half-heartedly, squeezing them in between other responsibilities. Eventually, I canceled sessions and ceased therapy altogether. The reality was that these exercises felt uncomfortable, akin to taking unpleasant medicine. While I grasped the concept that the benefits would manifest gradually, I struggled to enjoy the journey.
I recognized the necessity of effort and eventually began to appreciate the results. Yet, I was acutely aware of the need for balance—my goal was to foster self-love without veering into narcissism.
To truly love myself meant being realistic about my strengths and weaknesses. I needed to appreciate my appearance without becoming vain, prioritize my needs while valuing others equally, and set ambitious goals without appearing self-centered. I had to accept that I was "perfect as I am" while continuously striving for improvement.
This process was exhausting—partly because I didn't see how I was complicating things. It wasn't a matter of time or finances; it was overcoming the mistaken belief that self-love could verge on narcissism.
Self-Love as a Shield Against Narcissism
It took me far too long to realize that there is no risk of becoming a narcissist from genuinely practicing self-love. In fact, self-love serves as a robust defense against narcissism. Narcissists, whether overt or covert, often grapple with low self-esteem. Their relentless pursuit of admiration stems from a profound lack of self-acceptance.
When we observe overt narcissists boasting about their accomplishments, it's not an expression of self-love; rather, it's a desperate attempt to convince themselves and others of their worthiness. True love is not rooted in admiration, nor is self-admiration equivalent to self-love. Self-love isn't about idolizing oneself, nor is it about ignoring flaws or weaknesses.
In essence, self-love is simpler than it seems. It resembles the unconditional love one feels for a friend or family member—embracing every facet of oneself.
Embracing Your True Self
Consider your 'self' as a child—perhaps with a crooked nose. Does that diminish the love you can offer? If you make an error at work, acknowledge it and strive for improvement, but don't let it impact your self-love.
You can hold yourself accountable for mistakes while maintaining a clear distinction between those actions and the love you have for yourself. Likewise, pursuing health or cosmetic enhancements shouldn't alter the affection you extend to yourself.
Any relationship where love is contingent on appearances or mistakes is deemed toxic. Why would you maintain such a relationship with yourself? Grant yourself the love you deserve.
Self-Love Exercise: Each day, identify one thing you appreciate about yourself and write a brief note. For example: "I love you. You have always supported me."
More from Kara Summers on the topic:
Compassion for a Narcissist Helped Me Heal
The one emotion I never expected to feel for my abuser
His Mistress Showed Me What Real Love Looks Like
A friendship born out of shared pain
In the video "Is narcissism self-love?", explore the fundamental differences between the two concepts and how to cultivate genuine self-love without crossing into narcissism.
The video "Narcissism is Not High Self Esteem; it's Actually the Opposite!" delves into the misconceptions surrounding narcissism and self-esteem, offering insights on how they diverge significantly.