Seeing the World Through a New Lens: A Journey of Boundaries
Written on
Chapter 1: Understanding Boundaries
The concept of boundaries is straightforward, yet many find it difficult to navigate. A boundary refers to a line that indicates limits. Recently, I've begun to grasp the importance of establishing these boundaries, and it's been enlightening to see how challenging it is to uphold them consistently.
This past weekend, my family and I rented an Airbnb to spend quality time together. And let me tell you, I observed quite a few things...
Our Airbnb host was overly controlling, perhaps driven by his own anxieties. I received no less than five messages detailing how we should behave, including reminders to keep the noise down. It felt more like living in a dormitory than a vacation rental. While I recognize I might not excel as a rental host myself, I wouldn't impose such stress on my guests. Conversely, if I were in the rental business, I certainly wouldn’t inundate my guests with constant texts about property rules or local attractions; it was quite irritating.
Following our Airbnb experience, we decided to dine at a local restaurant. With a party of eight, we were open to being seated separately if it would help accommodate the restaurant's needs. Unfortunately, the host who seated us was rude, but I chose to overlook his attitude in light of my ongoing journey to understand boundaries. However, the server's behavior was a different story. After taking our orders, she made a pointed statement: “Just so you know, for parties of six or more, the tip is included at twenty percent, split among three checks.” My daughter and I were taken aback. We both replied with “Not a problem.” What she didn’t realize is that our family typically tips well above twenty percent.
As I watched her interactions with other tables, I noticed a stark contrast. A group of seven was seated nearby, and the server greeted them warmly, without any of the condescending remarks she had directed at us. They were White, while my daughter and I are Black. This was particularly distressing, especially given that the establishment was Black-owned. I found it hard to believe that I had been treated so poorly on previous visits. I can only hope this was an isolated incident of someone projecting their internal struggles onto us. Nevertheless, I’m not here to criticize the business, but rather to discuss how anti-Black behavior can occur among Black individuals.
When it came time to pay the bill, my children took care of it. Unlike the server's previous directives, my son hadn’t been subjected to any lectures about how to act or tip in a restaurant setting. He wanted to give her a larger tip, but I advised against it, explaining why she didn’t deserve any extra. Not only was she rude, but she also failed to bring my extra cornbread, stating, “I didn’t bring it because I didn’t want you to waste it.” What? Is it truly the restaurant's role to dictate what I do with my order? Or was this yet another instance of anti-Black sentiment? She seemed to view Black parties as wasteful non-tippers, needing to be controlled and lectured.
In contrast, I’m willing to extend some grace to the Airbnb host since our interaction was limited to messages. His actions could stem from his own experiences, rather than outright prejudice. However, both individuals should refrain from generalizing based on the actions of a few. This tendency to judge Black people as a collective perpetuates an idea of inferiority, suggesting that we are a special case rather than fully realized individuals. It highlights that bigotry and prejudice can also arise from within our own communities.
The soft bigotry of low expectations is very real. Neither the host nor the server held my family to a standard of high expectations; instead, they assumed the worst. These experiences have reinforced my belief in the importance of setting boundaries. I will choose to support businesses that respect me and my family, regardless of their skin color. I will not return to that Airbnb or the restaurant we visited. For now, I am making a judgment: they do not value their patrons.
Thank you for taking the time to read my reflections. If you found this piece engaging, consider subscribing for updates on my future writings. You can also support my work by joining Medium through my link. Happy reading!