Chapter 1: A New Beginning Amidst Heartbreak

This narrative delves not only into the passing of a husband but also into the life that unfolded in the aftermath of his departure. Rest in Peace, Tom Sundin.

When I walked down the aisle, I certainly didn’t envision myself in a traditional white gown. By the time Tommy and I exchanged vows, I was already seven months pregnant—quite the surprise!

At just 5'1," I had limited space for a full-term baby, making my pregnancy quite noticeable. Tommy was understandably flustered but remained lovingly supportive throughout. Having been married previously without experiencing fatherhood, he was overjoyed at the prospect of becoming a dad. Little did I know, this would become the greatest gift of his life, arriving just in the nick of time.

As newlyweds with a newborn, we were a chaotic yet loving family. It brings a smile to my face now, recalling how Tommy’s large, capable hands trembled with anxiety as he dressed our tiny son. It was amusing how this formidable man, who usually commanded attention, found himself at a loss with such a small being.

Matthew entered the world with a loud cry and an insatiable appetite. This little boy was the only one who could truly unsettle Tommy. “I just don’t want to break him; he’s so amazing,” he would say, carefully fastening Matthew’s tiny pajamas.

Fast forward to February 2007: I was nearly four months into my marriage, and our son was just under two months old when Tommy fell ill due to a swollen pancreas.

I was unaware of the complexities of his medical history. While I knew he enjoyed partying, I had no idea how severely it had impacted his health over the years. After a two-week hospital stay, he passed away, his long-standing alcohol use having led to pancreatitis—a painful condition he had been treated for before we met but had not adhered to the strict no-alcohol regimen prescribed to him.

Despite warnings from his doctors, Tommy continued to drink for several more years. Looking back, I realize that on our first date at the bar, I was falling in love with a man who was unknowingly on a path to an early demise.

This left me grappling with an important question: when should I start educating our son about the perils of addiction and alcohol? I wanted to preserve the positive image of his father; I didn’t want Matthew to grow disillusioned with who his dad was.

Tommy was a wonderful man—funny, charming, and talented, yet he struggled with his demons and left this world too soon at the age of 44.

In the tumultuous aftermath of my grief, I found myself adrift and newly initiated into motherhood. The conflicting emotions of love and loss turned me into a darkly comic figure, with laughter becoming my sanctuary.

Instead of embodying the archetype of the grieving widow, I adopted a sarcastic demeanor, feeling disconnected from those around me. I was perplexed by societal customs surrounding tragedy; rather than feeling comforted by kind words and condolences, I found myself drained by the repetitive phrases people offered.

There are only two common expressions of condolence that people seem to know: "If you need anything, just let me know," and "You’ll be in my thoughts/prayers." The same phrases, repeated ad nauseam.

I grew skeptical—perhaps in a comical manner. While it might have seemed inappropriate at the time, the sheer difficulty of waking up to care for a newborn without Tommy was overwhelming.

When I answered the phone to a sympathetic voice, I would silently echo their platitudes, muttering under my breath, “Yeah, I know. You’ll keep me in your thoughts, and if I need anything, I’ll reach out.”

People meant well, and I regret my brattish attitude. However, I had a hungry, delightful baby boy to nurture and bring joy to; I simply didn’t have the luxury of wallowing in sorrow.

After Tommy’s passing, the world felt surreal. I struggled to navigate my grief, finding solace only through ironic humor. While this may seem like an unusual way to cope, it became an effective strategy for me.

This video, Uncoupled -- Dealing with the Death of a Spouse, provides insights on coping with the loss of a loved one and the emotional journey that follows.

In the second video, MY HUSBAND'S CANCER JOURNEY: The story of how he died and my anticipatory grief pt2| One Happy Widow, we hear a poignant story about dealing with anticipatory grief and the impact of losing a spouse.