Chapter 1: Awakening

He awoke suddenly, jolted from sleep... The test?!? Yet, as his gaze met the darkness, he succumbed to the familiar pull of drowsiness, slumping back into the chair. Annoyance flickered within him as fear reared its head, a sensation he thought he had buried long ago, stirring all that could disrupt his fragile peace. Was his fatalism prevailing?

"I need to think of something specific... but what?" Thoughts collided in a chaotic whirlwind: piloting maneuvers, silence, Ada, Thank, fragmented perceptions from transport flights, a newfound tranquility...

Determined to distract himself from the torrent of emotions, he began to tidy up, arranging everything he deemed necessary, whether mechanically or not. Eventually, he paced around the room, searching for something to cling to—perhaps something forgotten—but found himself setting the alarm clock instead.

"That’s it, I’m done!" he declared, weariness evident in his voice. "Even if there’s more to do, I’ll tackle it years from now, upon my return. I refuse to believe it’ll all end too quickly. That would mean I’ve failed." Suddenly, the reality of the test hit him with all its implications.

New waves of thoughts began to assail him, crushing him under their weight. In a desperate effort, he decided to lie down, hoping sleep would come... but it eluded him.

The isolation imposed by transport flights had left its mark. He had grown strangely inquisitive, a perpetual seeker. The frustrations from his past life and, perhaps, those yet to come, compelled him to seek the truth, to grasp the essence of his experiences…

A truth that seemed reluctant to reveal itself, to become tangible, even through his own evaluation of what he had lived… Or was there simply nothing that pleased him?

For this reason, he grew to detest every moment of solitude… Yet, it was his life. His profession mandated he spend time alone during the long transport flights. This, surely, drove him even more insane, especially when confronted with unresolved matters…

Whenever he had the chance to converse with someone from his field... they were all authentic taciturns. Who could he exchange experiences and opinions with?!? Who could he confide in regarding the enigmas of his life?!?

The company computer, which seemed to know everything yet offered its own filtered solutions, mocked him. "What a great gain?!" he scoffed silently. The life of pilots, perhaps of anyone, was overshadowed by what could only be called voluntary isolation.

And this became unbearable when he had something weighing on his heart, when he sought something. No matter what he tried, he felt he had no chance… for he could not accept the course of past and potential future events.

Thus, he found himself yearning to become a zero pilot, persistently craving contact with them. The legends surrounding them were omnipresent, either due to propaganda or simply out of curiosity. He had heard of the complexities involved in training these pilots, as well as how drastically different their existence was from what he considered the "boring normality" of his life.

"I can't believe they demand so much from these boys... And their way of living, as if every day is their last, speaking as much as they can, loving as fiercely as possible… It can’t come from nowhere... They must derive these strange feelings from something."

Even their hierarchical advancement spoke volumes... Achievements, bravery, virtue, distinction... Many aspects tied to their mission reactions... Otherwise, there would only be distinctions based on seniority and skills...

He had engaged in lengthy discussions with those like him and even with zero pilots. Yet he still couldn’t form a comprehensive idea of what they did. "It’s dangerous, but worth it!" they claimed in unison, a chorus that seemed to hint at a standardized response imposed by their status or some kind of propaganda training.

"But your adventure could end at any moment, right? There are countless cases of 'zeros' who vanished without a trace... Where's this 'worth it' then? If tomorrow brings that disappearance?!? Share something with us, so we can understand why you feel so certain it’s worth it!" When pressed, they would always respond, "Secret, secret, secret…" Oh, perhaps not always…

Yet, what he often received were vague elements lacking in detail, rendering it difficult to grasp much. Authorized broadcasts, news, and other official media sources provided more information. Regardless of their personal styles in the discussions, one constant remained...

Everyone emphasized that death comes regardless of individual will, and they alone could boast of having the chance to fight against it. Only they could tell death, "Not today!", "Today is a good day to die!" or "This is how I choose to die!"

Cheap theatrics, showboating, a general way to silence those who wish to know more… or perhaps too much… Who could tell?!? His most acerbic critics remained his colleagues… whom he saw, at best, every two years. They had come to accuse him of madness, while the zero pilots deemed him foolish…

A significant incident involved Vincenzo, who, due to past issues with the "zero boys," had stated he would no longer consider him a friend just for contemplating such a thing.

"What’s wrong with you, Dane? Don't you think it’s unbecoming to linger there?!" the others would say. Or worse… "Do you think we’re beneath you now, and you’re trying to join the 'zero boys' who might be your equals?!?"

It felt like all his colleagues had conspired against him… The most discouraging of all was Eleniak, an old academy classmate who, by some twist of fate, had become a zero pilot: "What do you think, Dane? Do you believe everything is 'rosy' for us like in the recruitment ads?!? Do you honestly think you know what we do from what you might hear? No one has risked their peace to tell you about our work, especially since everyone knows you’re a troubled mess… Stick to the banality of your life and leave the foolish ambitions aside! You’ll find a new Ada…"

"She has nothing to do with my current desires!" he shot back angrily.

Eleniak continued his tirade: "Can’t you see you’re not even convincing in this regard! You always give the same answer… And that proves Ada still occupies your mind, you fool… Haven’t you learned anything after suffering from your foolish feelings?!? Or do you think that if you become a zero pilot, you’ll have any chance to surpass him? Thank is too far ahead for you to even hope to nudge his position…"

"Nonsense," he told himself repeatedly… None of the dialogues had disheartened him. On the contrary… He could say that all this had further motivated him to become a zero pilot.

Perhaps he wanted to convince himself of the inequities of his choices, even though, once there, he could not afford to falter… Zero pilots are an elite; once you reach that point, you are not allowed to "fall"…

Thoughts regained their independence, and he grew angrier, realizing he could no longer follow a coherent thread. He noticed a glass with remnants of alcohol and downed it in one gulp. He refilled it and began savoring the drink, persistently battling the flood of memories…

From a carefree boy, he had morphed into a strange individual, self-inflicting wounds with all sorts of reproaches. Why?!? He was aware that it all stemmed from his perpetual failures, yet there was little he could do…

In everything he did, he poured his heart and soul into it, exerting maximum effort to ensure he had done everything possible but… it seemed he fell short every single time.

At first, he believed that being a pilot was the best choice for him, for who he was… But soon, he realized he wasn’t cut out for it. If he wasn't mistaken, he had recognized this even in the academy’s hall, although he never wanted to admit it…

And then, it was too late… Ada had entered his life… and now he couldn’t answer the question: "Why did he abandon the search and accept self-sacrifice for his love?"

There was also the possibility that he believed the failure of his relationship with Ada had caused him to lose his passion for being a pilot… especially in transport.

The sentiment that he was following an academy he didn’t want might have stemmed from his relationship with Ada?!? Or Ada’s aspirations for achievement?!? He couldn’t distinguish, couldn’t choose as the direct owner of the perceptions and feelings birthed from all this… One thing was certain, a haunting sensation… he felt he hadn’t understood then that Ada’s success meant only another love, one that would provide her with the support and strength necessary to realize her dreams. Dreams of power… Material or spiritual?!? In any case, she had no answer to justify her actions. Or so she claimed… And…

"Hey, the test… I need to rest! Am I really pondering issues I’ve chewed over for years?!? I need to sleep," he thought, emptying another glass of alcohol… "Holy Power, I’ve completely lost it!" he exclaimed upon seeing the empty bottle! "I drank the whole thing! I’m not well! I think I’ve never drunk this much… Damn my luck!"

Afterward, he lay back on the bed. Yet, the alcohol-induced lethargy didn’t help him at all, and his thoughts resumed their onslaught…

Loneliness was the sole disadvantage of his life. Perhaps if he weren’t so isolated, everything would have been different. At least he would have had a goal, an objective to keep him afloat. Indeed, whenever he found himself in the company of others, he transformed remarkably. He often marveled at his own volubility. However, all his colleagues were taciturns… Where could he find a compromise?!?

Work had become an obsession for him. Once, he hardly had time for his own issues. He couldn’t quite recall if, during those moments, he bore so many conscience problems, feeling so much uncertainty, guilt, or other burdens related to his soul.

From birth, he had faced challenges… He was born into a family that was hard to comprehend, knowing truly only the maternal side… A mother, suffocatingly loving and devoted, yet cold, distant from everything around her… calculating in every gesture that dictated his life at home and beyond.

This contrast made him feel a peculiar solitude, even when in her arms, even when feeling her caresses and kisses… He always sensed her coldness, her distance from everything.

Over time, all his attempts to prove to his mother that he could meet the expectations and chances of fitting into the "elite" she pursued were doomed to fail. No matter what he did, he could never truly satisfy that being who stood in the role of mother.

As for his father?!? He was merely a distant friend… Literally… Attentive, warm, a good example in life for anyone… and that was it. In essence, he was not his biological father… Just Sir Corasdo…

The attempt to escape followed… Not because he was tired of it… No! He did this because he was effectively cast out by Anda, his mother. Corasdo always fought for his presence beside him. But, he had no chance; he wasn’t his biological father. Or perhaps he sought to salvage something from the image of his parents and friends. He loved them, despite the coldness and indifference they bestowed upon him.

Thus, he became a student at the academy. Perhaps it was nothing more than his desire to please them, to show them he could manage on his own. But here came the relationship with Ada, his first true love, and… the "malefic" appearance of Thank… He shivered pleasantly at the memory of Ada… How beautiful everything was, yet how unpleasant the solitude that followed.

"Just me and Holy Power… Well, okay, more me…" Suddenly, he felt a wave of depression. Out of nowhere, tears flooded his eyes, then his cheeks… "I’ve been alone my entire life… No matter how hard I fought against it, no matter how many people I had around me… Not even when I was with Ada could I escape loneliness… And Ema, what fault does she have to be alone even if she’s with me?!? Why so much torment?!?" He recalled Ada’s words:

"Do you really not realize that even love cannot lift you from loneliness, no matter how hard you try?!? Life is the most secure prison. We like to proclaim it’s not so… Or at least, I believe so… When I told you that you gave me the absolute, I wasn’t lying to you for a moment. But I need more than love, more than affection, more than that feeling of absolute that you offered me abundantly.

It’s true that when you experience love, troubles halve and joys double, but that doesn’t address hunger; it doesn’t meet my needs related to my lifestyle, to my social presence among friends, to a certain level of security regarding my own possibilities, and so forth. Furthermore! What do you think love can offer my children, or at least what I envision for my children?!? Yes, our love thrilled, soothed, fulfilled my body and soul, but not my mind… It constantly keeps me in solitude, showing me that I have needs and am alone in the battle against them because you couldn’t offer anything in this regard.

Thank calmed my mind in every way, my soul accepted compromises, and my body is merely a body. If you press the right buttons, it succumbs to the most unnatural man in your life and your bed. And Thank, even if he will never be the embodiment of wonder within you, Dane, knows how to press buttons I never knew existed… That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that I was destined to be alone even though I love you, even though I’m with Thank..."

Even after these explanations, he never found a genuine motivation regarding Ada’s gesture back then… For him, everything was more beautiful than he could ever experience with anyone else. Every memory, pleasant or unpleasant, was alive, thriving within him with the same freshness as when it occurred. Only and solely in Ada’s presence. Only and sole