Chapter 1: The Testing Game

Narcissists have a knack for testing those around them, often leaving their victims feeling inadequate. Recently, I found myself plagued by dreams where I was preparing for a test I was certain I would fail.

Despite knowing that our minds often work through challenging issues during sleep, it frustrates me that my subconscious is still grappling with the remnants of my experiences with narcissists.

Last night's dream was a familiar scenario: I was anxious about an upcoming written exam, facing numerous hurdles along the way. In the past, these tests have taken various forms:

• Assisting someone in need
• Reaching a specific location
• Completing a crucial task
• Tackling a seemingly impossible problem

As I attempted to prepare for the exam in my dream, I encountered several obstacles:

• At times, I couldn't locate the study materials I required; once, someone intentionally hid them.
• Interruptions from others disrupted my focus.
• People insisted on my immediate attention, claiming their needs were more pressing than my own.
• I struggled to find the necessary items for the test, unsure of what exactly I was missing.
• Despite my efforts, I couldn't find a quiet space to gather my thoughts and prepare.
• I faced difficulties reaching the venue for the exam.

Why do I attribute these dreams to my past encounters with narcissists? Because every interaction felt like a test. Here are some reasons I've identified for their testing behavior:

• They require constant validation of their superiority and often set up scenarios where I would inevitably fail, giving them a sense of victory.
• They crave ongoing admiration, which leads them to repeatedly assess my loyalty.
• They find satisfaction in seeing others suffer, often catching me off guard with unexpected challenges.
• They keep track of my shortcomings for future manipulation, never acknowledging my successes.
• They aim to portray me as a failure to others by imposing tests without clear guidelines, later sharing my perceived failures with others.

Having dealt with a narcissistic mother, ex-husband, former business partner, and a few bosses, I've endured countless tests. In their eyes, I never succeeded; overt narcissists were blunt about my failures, while covert ones masked their critiques with seemingly kind words. A particularly malignant boss even attempted to make me appear incompetent.

Even though I’ve cut ties with these individuals, their tests linger in my dreams and affect my daily life. Routine tasks can feel daunting, and I often obsess over meeting expectations to avoid disappointing those I care for. The shadow of their tests still instills fear that I might be perceived negatively.

Through my journey to heal from these experiences, I've discovered ways to soothe myself and comfort my inner child while awake. However, during sleep, a different part of my brain tackles the healing process. While I resent that recovering from narcissistic abuse disrupts my rest, I appreciate that my mind is working towards recovery.

One last thought: While it may seem petty, I can’t help but hope that breaking free from my past narcissists disrupts their dreams too, making them regret losing someone like me.

Related reading:

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Chapter 2: Understanding the Tests

In the video "The SURPRISING way narcissists TEST you," the complexities of narcissistic testing behaviors are explored, shedding light on their motivations and impact on victims.

The second video, "WHY THE NARCISSIST IS ALWAYS TESTING PEOPLE," delves deeper into the reasons behind narcissists' incessant need to test others, providing valuable insights into their psyche.