Section 1.1: Step 1 — Ask for Permission

A seemingly simple step, asking for permission can significantly change the dynamic. We often hesitate to provide feedback because we fear defensiveness. By requesting permission upfront, we alleviate much of that tension. When individuals consent to hear our observations, they take ownership of the process and are more inclined to receive our feedback with an open mind.

The goal of feedback is to guide someone toward improved behavior; it is not about punishing past actions. We cannot alter the past, but we can encourage better future performance. Thus, it’s essential for the person to be mentally prepared to listen.

You might ask, “Can I provide you with some feedback?” or “Can we discuss what happened?” If they decline, it’s crucial to respect their choice, saying something like, “That’s fine, let me know when you’re ready.”

Sometimes, people require time to process their emotions or are preoccupied with resolving an issue. Whatever the reason, waiting until they are receptive is essential, as feedback offered when someone is not ready tends to be ineffective.

Section 1.2: Step 2 — State What Happened

Once permission is granted, the next step is to clearly articulate what occurred. What did you observe? What behavior needs addressing?

It's vital to focus on specific actions rather than make personal judgments. For instance, stating that someone lacks teamwork skills is unhelpful. Instead, describe the behavior that led to this conclusion.

As Daniel Patrick Moynihan wisely noted, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.” We cannot read minds; thus, we must stick to observable facts.

For example:

• “When you dismiss everyone’s ideas without proposing alternatives…”
• “When you don’t explain your reasoning after ignoring suggestions…”
• “When you leave before the team has finished working…”

Section 1.3: Step 3 — Communicate the Impact

After detailing the behavior, it’s crucial to convey its impact. Whether the effect is positive or negative, this is the reason for your feedback.

This can be viewed as a cause-and-effect relationship: the behavior you observed is the cause, and now you’ll explain its effect.

For example:

• “When you fail to follow through on your commitments, it undermines our credibility with clients, forcing others to work harder to fix the schedule.”
• “When you disregard team suggestions, it discourages collaboration and stifles new ideas.”

Keep it brief; there’s no need for lengthy explanations. Piling on additional comments often comes across as condescending. Make your point and then allow for silence.

Section 1.4: Step 4 — There Is No Step 4

That’s the entire model: Ask for permission. State what happened. Focus on behaviors. Explain the impact.

Afterward, one of the most challenging aspects often arises—remaining quiet. It’s tempting to provide a solution, but this can often be counterproductive. Individuals are more likely to commit to a solution they devise themselves.

By refraining from prescribing a solution, we demonstrate trust in their judgment and signal our high expectations for their performance. When we maintain high standards, people often strive to meet them.

As leaders, we bear a moral obligation to foster the growth of those around us. This duty is a fundamental aspect of effective leadership. Providing feedback is the first step in this process.

The essential takeaway is to adopt a model that is simple to implement when issues arise. The easier the process, the more likely we are to engage in it. That’s the goal.

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