A Lesson in Choice and Control from Loss and Grief
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Chapter 1 The Impact of Loss
Life presents us with unforgettable moments. While joyful experiences provide comfort and warmth, painful memories often resurface, bringing anguish that gradually fades over time. Recently, I encountered such a painful moment when my brother passed away unexpectedly at the age of fifty-five, right before my eyes in our business.
The aftermath of his death left me grappling not only with the traumatic memory but also with constant reminders at our workplace and home. His absence was felt in:
- The vacant chair at his desk
- The spot where paramedics attempted to revive him
- The pets he left behind, now my responsibility
- The family members who suddenly became my housemates
Experiencing such a jarring loss can leave one feeling paralyzed by chaos. Each day, as I opened the store alone, the silence would hit me hard, prompting me to retreat to a back room to collect myself before facing the world again. Additionally, the weight of planning his funeral loomed over us, as none of us felt ready to speak.
Yet, amidst the turmoil, a recurring thought has enabled me to rise each morning and confront the challenges ahead: it revolves around the concepts of control and choice.
Section 1.1 Wisdom Through the Ages
This lesson transcends time, reiterated by various voices across millennia, offering us a sense of agency even when we feel powerless. I first encountered this idea through the teachings of an ancient philosopher.
Subsection 1.1.1 Epictetus: A Voice from the Past
Two millennia ago, a man named Epictetus lived as a slave in Rome, enduring a harsh existence. However, he eventually gained his freedom and became a respected teacher, with his lectures even being studied by Roman Emperors. His core message revolved around the nature of misfortune, encapsulated in a poignant statement from his Enchiridion:
“Sickness may affect the body, but it does not dictate your choices, unless you allow it to. Likewise, lameness may hinder your movement but does not impede your capacity to choose. Reflect on this concerning every circumstance you encounter, and you will see obstacles as mere hindrances rather than limitations on your being.”
This profound insight teaches us that while we cannot dictate events in our lives, we can control our reactions and perceptions.
Section 1.2 Modern Echoes of Ancient Wisdom
Fast forward to the 20th century, and we find psychologist Viktor Frankl, who discovered a similar truth while enduring the horrors of concentration camps during WWII. He realized that a mental surrender often precedes physical demise. In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, he asserts:
“Everything can be stripped from a person except for one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any situation, to choose one’s path.”
The essence of this lesson was reiterated in 2005 by author David Foster Wallace during a memorable commencement address at Kenyon College, which is now famously referred to as This Is Water. He emphasized that true education lies not merely in acquiring knowledge but in learning what to focus on. He illustrated this point with a humorous anecdote about fish unaware of the water they swim in, highlighting that we often overlook the context of our lives.
Similarly, former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink distilled this wisdom into a single word: “good.” He instinctively uses it in response to adverse events, explaining:
“Embrace reality, but steer your focus toward solutions. Transform challenges into opportunities for growth. If you can still say 'good,' it means you’re alive and still have the strength to fight.”
Chapter 2 An Unexpected Lesson from a Stranger
In the weeks following my brother's death, I took on new responsibilities, like driving to work on Sundays to care for his pets. One day, I encountered an unexpected obstacle when a small truck occupied my usual parking space. As I approached the door, I felt a surge of annoyance.
However, the driver, despite limited English, stopped to express his condolences for my brother’s passing. That brief encounter reminded me of the lesson about control and choice. For a fleeting moment, I was able to shift my focus away from my pain, choosing to view the situation differently — perhaps that was my choice. This is water. Good.
I resolved to deliver a speech at my brother's funeral centered on control and choice, sharing Epictetus's wisdom with others in mourning. My hope is that this lesson, which has profoundly influenced me, can also benefit them — and you.
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