Chapter 1: The Question of Drinking

Two years ago, I began to question my drinking habits. Despite assurances that moderate alcohol consumption is enjoyable, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was amiss. By the time I reached my sixties, alcohol had been a constant companion for most of my life. With few exceptions, like during pregnancies or the decline of my marriage, I had indulged in large glasses of wine nightly for decades.

Was I a “problem drinker” or perhaps an alcoholic? The thought frightened me. What constituted a problem, anyway?

In my mind, alcoholism was a binary issue: you either had it or you didn't. I had always believed alcoholics teetered between maintaining their lives and succumbing to a life of addiction, often ending up isolated and distrustful—even among loved ones. Yet, I didn’t identify with that stark portrayal.

Nevertheless, my drinking habits began to trouble me. Most mornings, I woke up feeling lethargic and unfocused, dreading the day ahead. The more I pondered my drinking, the more it occupied my thoughts.

Social drinking became a series of anxious calculations—was there enough wine? How much had I consumed? If I had to drive, how long until I could return to my own space for a drink?

I would occasionally abstain for a few days, convincing myself it was no big deal, though I felt an underlying tension. When I eventually rewarded myself with a glass of wine, it felt like a small victory—until the next bout of self-reflection began.

In the video "Alcohol: The Way You Define the Problem Influences the Solution," the complexities of alcohol use are further explored. It shows how personal definitions of drinking can shape one’s relationship with alcohol.

Chapter 2: The Influence of Society

From all directions, we receive messages that alcohol is a remedy for stress or a celebration of life. Whether through films, advertisements, or social gatherings, society promotes alcohol as a rite of passage into adulthood.

I bought into this narrative until a New Year’s Eve spent with my niece opened my eyes. While the celebrations in Scotland are notoriously indulgent, my niece was sober and content. This inspired me to explore my own relationship with alcohol, leading me to the book "Quit Like a Woman" by Holly Whitaker.

The author delves into the tactics of the alcohol industry, which, much like tobacco marketing, seeks to convince women that drinking is empowering while profiting from the addiction that ensues.

Yet my experience didn’t seem to align with traditional notions of addiction. I could ignore the neglected bottle of gin while yearning for a glass of Pinot when liquor stores were closed. I needed a more nuanced perspective on my drinking habits.

The video "Binge Drinking vs Alcoholism: 11 Warning Signs of Alcohol Use Disorder" highlights the important distinctions between different drinking habits and the warning signs associated with alcohol use disorder.

Chapter 3: Understanding My Relationship with Alcohol

I typically began my drinking around dinner time, the wine glass becoming a fixture through the evening. I often lost track of how frequently I refilled it. While I might forget to drink when engrossed in a project, it didn’t imply my relationship with alcohol was nonchalant.

For me, the act of pouring the first glass was a cherished ritual, symbolizing the shift from day to night—a moment of reflection and transition.

In my younger years, a few drinks transformed the world into a vibrant playground. As responsibilities mounted, I sought an escape from the demands of motherhood and work. Now, with an empty nest, my aspirations shifted from numbing out to seeking adventure.

As an introvert, social settings can feel daunting. A glass of wine often eased my nerves, helping me feel more at ease and approachable among others. It seemed that shared drinking diluted any personal concerns about alcohol.

Yet, there exists a darker side to social drinking—peer pressure that can lead to unwanted alcohol consumption.

I’ve been in situations where someone insisted on pouring me another drink, or I was told I was more fun when I had a drink in hand.

Reflecting on moments when a night out spiraled into arguments and regret, I recognized the manipulative nature of social drinking culture.

Chapter 4: A Shift in Perspective

When I chose to step away from drinking, I realized I had been asking myself the wrong questions. It wasn’t about the frequency or quantity of my consumption; it was about my perception of alcohol as a problem.

I didn’t set out to embrace permanent sobriety, but attempts to moderate my intake only led to greater indulgence. Instead, I focused on kindness toward myself, distancing my identity from my drinking habits.

Rumi once wrote, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” This sentiment resonated deeply with me as I stepped away from rigid definitions of my alcohol use.

It's been over two years since I last consumed alcohol. My journey has been primarily mental and emotional, guided by literature, podcasts, and supportive communities.

While I occasionally enjoy non-alcoholic beers or flavored drinks, I’ve mostly embraced tea or simply nothing. At social events, the initial awkwardness fades as others become engrossed in their own drinks, allowing me to relax with a seltzer in hand.

Chapter 5: Discovering a Richer Life

Surprisingly, abstaining from alcohol has enriched my life in ways I never anticipated. It’s as though I transitioned from a black-and-white film to a vibrant technicolor experience.

I’ve become more attuned to the beauty around me, fully present for both joyful and challenging moments. Without the haze of alcohol, I find I have less anxiety and greater resilience.

When cravings arise, they serve as reminders of my past insecurities, prompting me to reflect on my feelings rather than run from them.

The past two years have been revealing, highlighting how interconnected I am with my social circles. I’ve realized that happiness is within reach, and alcohol was merely a distraction.

In Rumi’s poem "A Great Wagon," he invites us to embrace the world’s secrets waiting to be uncovered.

Since quitting drinking, I’ve awakened to a world of possibilities, allowing me to pursue adventures I would have previously dismissed.

Just the other week, I leapt out of bed at 2 a.m. to chase the Northern Lights—something I would have missed in my drinking days.

Now, I savor sunsets without the need for alcohol, fully free to embrace the next day’s sunrise.

Beth Riungu is a Scottish-Kenyan transplant to the U.S., planning to return to Scotland for a year of writing, while also enjoying long summer evenings in Denmark with a cone of licorice and strawberry ice cream.