Chapter 1: The Meaning of Tears

When I experienced loss, I found myself unable to cry. Perhaps it was because he still felt so present within me, like a phantom limb tugging at my bones. The anguish kept him intertwined with my being.

This is, after all, the role of tears: a surge of oxytocin and endorphins helps alleviate our pain. We shed tears to release our sorrow. Interestingly, the same hormones that ease the discomfort of childbirth also help mitigate the grief associated with death. Humans enter the world with cries yet often depart in silence.

I couldn't wail for him—not in that fashion.

Our bodies produce three distinct types of tears: basal tears, which keep our eyes lubricated; irritant tears, which occur when the eyes need to clear out foreign substances; and psychogenic tears, which are tied to our emotions. It is these emotional tears that resonate deeply, often overwhelming us beyond the surface. Our language captures this phenomenon, describing crying as a flood rather than merely the irritation of chopped onions. Tears "stream down our faces," and our eyes "well up."

In my inability to cry, my well of emotions felt endless.

Many individuals struggle to shed tears. Anhedonia can trap them in a state of emotional suspension. Deep depression transcends mere sadness; it embodies the absence of joy. This may explain why men experience higher suicide rates than women—they cry less frequently. While cultural factors play a role, biology is also at play. Men have larger lacrimal glands, leading to more substantial tear production, whereas women possess smaller tear ducts, making it easier for them to cry.

Then, there's the influence of hormones: testosterone acts as a barrier to crying, while prolactin encourages it. Research indicates that women have prolactin levels that are 60% higher than those of the average male.

I often pondered whether he ever shed a tear—not for our relationship, but for anything or anyone at all.

During chivalric times, men were expected to openly express their emotions. Those noble knights regarded tears as a sign of piety.

In the Renaissance, physicians believed that love warmed the heart, while tears served to cool it. Crying was seen as a form of emotional balance.

By the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, men were expected to exhibit "sensibility," a concept quite different from today’s interpretation. This ability to feel and share emotions resembles what we now refer to as emotional intelligence. Consequently, male protagonists in many eighteenth-century novels were often depicted as weeping throughout their stories.

However, the Victorian era deemed crying a taboo. Industrialism restricted men to a focus on productivity, often stifling their emotional expressions. By the time the rugged cowboys of the John Wayne era emerged, crying was perceived as a sign of weakness—real men, it was said, did not shed tears, at least not in public.

Yet, men do cry publicly. A survey conducted on Virgin Atlantic flights revealed that 41% of men have hidden their heads under blankets to weep. Perhaps at 40,000 feet, with the cabin's soothing hum lulling us into a state of vulnerability, tears flow more freely.

Some individuals even cry post-intimacy, although science suggests that such behavior may not be beneficial. One study found that women’s tears contain compounds that reduce sexual arousal in men, which complicates intimate moments.

Animals, too, express their grief in unique ways. Elephants exhibit their sorrow by nudging and shaking their deceased companions, sometimes even succumbing to starvation due to their grief.

Cats may vocalize in ways that mimic a baby’s cries, a tactic theorized to elicit maternal instincts. Meanwhile, dogs express joy through tears, as evidenced by studies showing that dogs shed tears upon reuniting with their owners.

Although scientists assert that humans are the only species capable of shedding emotional tears, this perspective may overlook the profound emotional bonds we share with our pets. Anyone who has loved a pet can attest to their ability to sense and reflect our emotions.

Only the most wicked creatures are believed to be incapable of weeping. This notion was supported in ancient Byzantine times, where doctors labeled anyone who couldn’t cry as a werewolf.

I felt like a beast howling at the moon's shadowed side. My cries echoed within me, yet no tears fell.

What if our tears could defy gravity? If they ascended instead of falling, perhaps sorrow could lighten our spirits. However, despair remains an anchor beneath us, intertwined with the earth that cradles those we have lost. Each sunset marks another day of absence, and we inevitably choose the descent.

"You have to want to move on," a friend advised me once.

I understood her point, yet "wanting" had entangled me in this predicament. I was weary of wanting.

There is a peculiar strength found in numbness—the stark dryness of the Santa Ana winds against my skin, the sting of unshed tears in my eyes, and the bitterness of unspoken words lingering in my mouth.

A month later, I finally shed tears.

They flowed when words failed me, when memories could no longer pierce the darkness, and when my heart could no longer bear the thirst for joy. Eventually, the tears ceased.

I have no more tears left for him.

About the Author

Carlyn Beccia is an accomplished author, illustrator, columnist, and speaker. Her works, including The Raucous Royals, I Feel Better with a Frog in My Throat, They Lost Their Heads, and Monstrous, have garnered numerous accolades, such as the Golden Kite Honor, The International Reading Association's Young Adult Book Award, and the Cybil Award. For additional information, visit www.CarlynBeccia.com.

Chapter 2: The Science of Crying

This video, "Why Do We Cry When We're Sad?" explores the emotional and psychological reasons behind tears, delving into the science that explains our response to sorrow.

In "Why Do We Cry?", this video examines the various triggers for crying, including hormonal influences and emotional states, offering insights into why we shed tears.