The Transformative Experience of a Psilocybin Retreat

Recently, I returned from a psilocybin-assisted retreat in Jamaica, and the insights gained during this experience have begun to crystallize, especially through our ongoing group discussions and video calls. A key takeaway has been a clearer distinction between myself and those around me.

During this journey, I encountered a significant reduction in what a friend aptly termed “the torment of self-consciousness.” I often found myself preoccupied with how others viewed me, replaying conversations in my mind, questioning my responses, and doubting whether I had acted with enough kindness or curiosity. This self-doubt frequently prevented me from accepting my actions in the moment and letting them fade into the past.

Throughout my three psilocybin sessions, this self-doubt manifested as a heightened sense of paranoia—an amplified experience of what is usually a subtle mental process. These long-standing thought patterns were exposed to their extremes, revealing the near delusion they could create. Yet, amidst this chaos, a part of me remained an observer, quietly witnessing the turmoil. Following the retreat, I found that my awareness was now more adept at recognizing this kind of thinking, allowing me to thank it for its past role and gently let it go.

In the weeks that followed, I repeatedly noticed myself falling back into cycles of self-doubt, grappling with the perceptions and expectations of others. Initially, it felt as if these feelings were intensifying post-retreat, but I soon realized that it was my awareness of them that had grown. This heightened awareness encouraged me to reach out to trusted friends for perspective, to engage in meditation, prioritize sleep and exercise, and focus inward rather than on external judgments.

During one of my dosing sessions, I sat up to check on Cindy, who was about 50 feet away under a cabana. In that moment, I felt an overwhelming judgment towards her, so intense that it threatened our relationship. I longed to escape that feeling, contemplating drastic measures, all the while feeling ashamed and unable to express my turmoil. This experience became a turning point for me, prompting a realization of my tendency to judge others and the suffering it caused me.

I may have internally called for assistance, perhaps from the mushrooms, a divine presence, or my own inner wisdom. The response I received was an invitation to retract my projections and look within. This led to a profound emotional release, allowing me to confront my pain.

By the next day’s integration session, I understood that any negative feelings towards others serve as a prompt to examine my internal state. People act as they do, and while I can recognize their dysfunctional behaviors, my emotional reactions reveal unhealed aspects of myself.

It’s essential to clarify that this insight does not imply that one should tolerate abusive behavior. Instead, it encourages a calm distance from such actions, guiding me towards healthier boundaries without falling into victimhood.

Moreover, there is often no direct correlation between my judgments of others and my unconscious behaviors. Just because I critique someone for their actions doesn’t mean I’m doing the same. Instead, their actions may trigger a reminder of my own unhealed wounds.

Since returning to my daily life, I’ve been more capable of observing behaviors I once judged harshly without feeling responsible for their actions. I now grant others the freedom to navigate their paths, allowing them to learn from the consequences of their choices.

This shift has provided immense relief, lifting a heavy burden. I’ve discovered a newfound compassion for others, meeting them where they are without the weight of self-judgment. I can now respond based on my needs rather than those of others.

As I continue to write, I'm still piecing together the connection between my judgments of others and my own inner conflicts. It’s clear that I project my self-judgment onto those around me, leading to unnecessary discomfort. The solution lies in turning inward, journaling, and practicing mindfulness, reminding myself to take responsibility for my feelings.

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” — Jesus of Nazareth

The clarity of these changes is most evident in relational dynamics where psychological challenges arise. I’ve noticed newfound confidence in my interactions, allowing me to express my thoughts freely without fear of upsetting others. I'm now more willing to engage deeply, embracing the potential for discomfort.

Recently, after an hour at the gym, I chose to linger longer, engaging in enriching conversations with friends, finally feeling liberated from the burdens of self-consciousness.

Note: While experiencing paranoia during psilocybin dosing is uncommon, it can occur, particularly at the higher doses I took during the retreat (5, 8, and 10 grams of B+ strain of Psilocybe cubensis). MycoMeditations recently shared an Instagram post about how allowing someone to process paranoia without judgment can facilitate deep trauma healing.