Chapter 1: A Hilarious Introduction to Subscription Policies

Dear Online Service, which I impulsively subscribed to while suffering from dengue fever,

I, your customer Roger Holloway LLC, a fully-owned subsidiary of The Holloways of Great Neck, Inc., am here to announce some fresh subscription terms.

If you wish to receive a physical copy of this notice, simply cup your hands around your mouth and shout. Make it loud! My account is now set to Auto Cancel®. When my subscription concludes, that’s it for us—no more. Hasta luego. Well, hold the 'luego'.

It’s time to move on—perhaps pick up a new hobby.

Just so you know, my Auto Cancel takes precedence over your Auto Renewal. Go ahead, test it. My Auto Cancel will slap down your Auto Renewal until you figure out how to uncheck your own box.

Make my day.

To withdraw from Auto Cancel, please send a notarized letter along with an original birth certificate—complete with a raised seal, of course—and a large box of Cheez-its, at least 300 days (or 301 on leap years) before my subscription expires. Also, my account is equipped with Auto Cancel Pro®. This feature denies your attempts to exit Auto Cancel. I’ll keep the birth certificate; it makes a fine drink coaster. I already devoured the Cheez-its, so next time, please send Italian Four Cheese.

Auto Cancel Pro also unfollows you on all social media platforms—except Meta, because really, what’s the point? I warned you last month to get on board with Auto Woke®. No use complaining now.

To opt out of Auto Cancel Pro, make your way to my Customer Service Department located atop K2. Don't forget to call ahead for oxygen.

With my new Auto Complain® feature, I’ll be in touch monthly to express my dissatisfaction with your juvenile website, RUFKM pricing, and lethargic customer service. To disable this option, just fire your C-level executives and upgrade your web servers to this century's standards.

If you want to send me your promotional emails that inevitably end up in my Junk folder, you can opt out of my Email Blacklist. Just email whoever you like—just not me. I’ve blacklisted you, remember? Duh. Ask the recipient to forward your email to me.

Nota bene: I’ve blacklisted everyone in your address book.

Regardless of how cheap your services are, Auto Downgrade® guarantees I won't spend a single extra penny. I don’t care if your lowest tier limits me to 62 bytes per month for a mere three cents and is aimed at mollusks. If you devise a plan where you pay me, I’m all in.

As an additional safeguard against Auto Renewal, I’m implementing Auto Deny®. My credit card company will reject all charges from you, any businesses within a 60-mile radius of you, or any company that appears within 80 pixels of you in Google Search results.

That Auto Renewal Virus you have in beta? Sorry, already conducting field tests for the antidote.

To opt out of future emails, kneel and beseech a Higher Power.

SAVE PAPER — Please refrain from printing this email unless you’ve activated Auto Purchase Carbon Offsets® from The Holloways of Great Neck, Inc.

Chapter 2: The Comical Reality of Online Services

Brand art by David Todd McCarty.